Covert Narcissism: Sometimes healing a relationship is one-sided

A word from Janet:

As we sat enjoying our tea, I knew I wanted Linda to write a blog post for me. I rarely have others write, but she said something that resonated with me and that I believed would resonate with all of you.

She spoke about an issue some people have that the church is often ill-equipped to help with. Sometimes the usual answers don’t provide a solution. 

Linda had done women’s ministry for many years, with excellence. During that time, she encountered many women who had been through, or were going through, problems in their marriage. When Linda spoke about her own marriage, I knew it was a story others needed to hear. 

Every marriage has challenges, and often the church’s response is to counsel the couple to “draw closer to God and that will draw them closer to one another.” Sermons, Bible studies, and books are delivered with a message for “the middle” of the congregation. Often, those on the edges are left feeling disconnected or misunderstood. While great sermons and lessons contain powerful biblical truth, often those words of truth cannot provide a solution. Why?

All people are created by God with free will. None of us has the power to control or limit the free will choices of another. Some people are born or raised with issues and disorders that mean average solutions are ineffective. In other words, sometimes healing a relationship just isn’t possible. Spiritual healing is a choice each person must make for himself or herself, but not a choice that can be made for another. Sometimes our choices cannot heal a relationship because the other person’s issues or choices won’t allow for healing.

I’m reminded of Paul’s words to the Galatians: “For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself’” (Galatians 5:13–14).

I learned a lot from Linda about a topic I was not familiar with. The more I read, the more I began to understand the need for Christians to be aware of those people the church might tend to condemn rather than counsel or comfort.

Linda has come through a personal storm that God is now redeeming for a greater good. I wanted to share her article and her website so that it could be a help to all of you—possibly for one of your own relationships or maybe to share with someone you know.

___________________________

Now I Get It! Married to a Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

by L.L.

“Mom, what you have done is crazy-stupid-brave, and the greatest gift you could have given me.”

Those were the first words of my son’s email. 

They affirmed the steps I had taken to identify the confusing marital fog that engulfed me so long—enough years for my children to now have families of their own.

I had believed the empty nest would ease our relationship stressors. Later, the anticipation of the joy of grandchildren fueled my optimism. The expectations of new freedoms in retirement offered the last remnant of hope. Instead, retirement revealed an increased intensity of emotional abandonment.

The journey to clarity

The bewilderment that washed over me when my last hope vanished shattered the dream I had nurtured since childhood—a spiritually mature and joyful marriage. Where had I failed? We had all the outward trappings but lacked the soul of a mutually loving relationship. Marriage conferences, books, prayer, Bible studies, support groups, and personal counseling failed to uncover one mysterious underlying dynamic.

After a particularly confusing conversation with my husband, I retreated to sort swirling emotions birthed from a confused and wounded heart. 

Access to counseling during that time provided emotional support, but nothing truly explained my quandary until one webcast provided a checklist for a disorder called Covert Narcissism. I listened to it over and over while checking off each indicator. Finally, I was able to say, “Now I get it.” 

A combination of both despair and relief set me on a convoluted journey of grief, loss, healing, lament, and personal spiritual growth. 

I learned that narcissistic characteristics cluster on a spectrum. Everyone has some qualities of self-centeredness. We need enough for self-care. As individuals move up the spectrum with increasing displays of self-focus, relationships grow more challenging. Those at the far end of the spectrum lack empathy as well as the ability to self-reflect. They also relate to others through a wide variety of distorted thinking patterns. 

My husband came to counseling enough times for the counselor to determine the diagnosis of Covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

My effort to identify this missing piece of information was what had prompted my son’s email. He, too, now had an explanation for his own emotional wounds. 

Examples in Scripture

Seeing this same disorder in Scripture has added a new sense of awareness to my Bible study. 

Jesus described false teachers as those who come in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves (Matthew 7:15). Some believe Judas, who betrayed Jesus with a kiss, displayed characteristics of a covert narcissist (Matthew 26:14–16). 

In the book of Esther, King Xerxes’ actions offer examples of Grandiose Narcissism (Ester 1:1–12), while Haman (Ester 3–8) demonstrated Covert Narcissism traits. 

King Herod’s jealousy and grandiosity (Matthew 2:16) finally had an explanation. 

Jesus pointed out the Pharisees’ outward righteousness but inward darkness when He called them white-washed tombs (Matthew 23:27–28). 

The power of truth

Jesus spoke of an essential element to the Jews who believed in Him. “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:31–32). As I examined truth, I learned it extended beyond knowledge of Christ’s atoning death and gift of salvation. The word for truth in this passage expands the meaning to “what is true in any matter under consideration” (Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).

Willingness to see truth

I am discovering that the Lord reveals truth to me in proportion to my willingness to see it. Seeking truth has propelled me into God’s grace of healing.

My defense mechanisms of rationalization, denial, and false belief that I could love enough to fix things needed to be released. I had to radically accept that narcissism was something I could not resolve. 

That radical acceptance required giving up my hope—perhaps one of the most painful steps of faith I had to take. Giving up hope felt like I was abandoning a foundational element of my faith. My hope, though, had been misplaced. My hope now rests on WHO Christ is rather than expectations of WHAT He can do.

God’s faithfulness in all things

I know now that my heavenly Father’s heart had always ached with me as I hid my tears and attempted to ignore my deep emotional woundings. He had seen my struggles to honor Him in my marriage. 

God had also waited ever so patiently for me to stop my human striving and to reach out to Him in surrender. When I acknowledged my pride and asked for His guidance and perfect will to be accomplished in my life, I felt something shift in my heart. It was the stabilizing calm that truth brings.

My heavenly Father has been faithful in each step of faith in truth-seeking and healing. I face each day with fresh hope in the future my heavenly Father has for me as His beloved daughter.

Best of all, I get to watch God do the very same for each truth-seeking woman who brings her brokenness to Him.

Now I Get It is available at Amazon.com/ebooks or in print at Amazon.com. Note: Now I Get It is written under the pen name of Alice Neyland. Follow “Now I Get It” on Instagram, Facebook, and at https://www.makingsenseofmylife.com/.

The perfect destination wedding includes an altar

There is a perfect destination for weddings that isn’t as common as it used to be. 

The weather doesn’t matter, the flowers will always be beautiful, and there is usually plenty of seating for friends and family. The price is very reasonable, and the setting is exactly what every wedding should feel like. 

The perfect destination for a wedding is a church because the altar is more than a wedding fixture; it is designed to be a wedding moment.

My husband, Jim, officiated a beautiful wedding last weekend. The bride was the daughter of special friends, and it was a blessing to witness and participate in her wedding. Why was this wedding so special? 

Because the bride and groom chose to include God in every aspect of their service. 

Their wedding wasn’t just a ceremony. It was a time of holy commitment to God and to one another. 

Why does the altar matter?

The first time the word altar is used in Scripture is in Genesis 8:20–22. 

Noah and his family had been at sea for a long time. After the sun came out and they were finally able to leave the ark, Scripture says, “Then Noah built an altar to the Lᴏʀᴅ and took some of every clean animal and some of every clean bird and offered burnt offerings on the altar. And when the Lᴏʀᴅ smelled the pleasing aroma, the Lᴏʀᴅ said in his heart, ‘I will never again curse the ground because of man, for the intention of man’s heart is evil from his youth. Neither will I ever again strike down every living creature as I have done. While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night, shall not cease’” (Genesis 8:20–22).

The altar in this passage was built to offer God praise for his loving care and for preserving both people and animals for his future purpose. Noah made his offering to God and God responded with a promise of his own. God would “never again curse the ground because of man.”  

Time will move forward from season to season as long as the earth remains. Noah’s altar time with God is a biblical reminder of the way God has always completely and faithfully kept his promises. 

In Scripture, the altar was a place for the people to make sacrifices to God for sins. When the temple was built, there was an altar of incense, a place where God’s words were received. In Christianity, the altar was often seen as the Lord’s Supper table, which was used for sharing the bread and the wine of remembrance.  

Spiritually, an altar of sacrifice is no longer needed physically because Jesus was the final sacrifice for all sins, but there remains a significant reason to spend time at an altar. Jesus was speaking to the religious leaders of his day when he said, “You blind men! For which is greater, the gift or the altar that makes the gift sacred?” (Matthew 23:19). 

In a very real way, any special place where people can encounter the presence of God, make commitments to God, and seek his voice of leadership becomes an altar. An altar is simply a place made sacred by the heart of the person who approaches God in that place. 

Is there a special place where you go to seek and experience the power of God or make a commitment to God? 

When have you stood at an altar and why?

Most people my age would probably answer that question by saying “My wedding.” Most weddings of my generation took place in a church where we exchanged our vows at the “altar.” But, keeping the words of Christ in mind, that spot was only an altar if the vows we made were a sacred commitment in our hearts to God and to the one we were marrying. 

When Jim officiates a wedding, he always explains to the bride and groom that their engagement period was a contractual relationship, able to be broken. He then reminds them that their marriage will be a covenant relationship between one another and God. He goes on to say that the moment when they take their vows they enter into a sacred, holy commitment to each other to live as one, under God as their King. 

Weddings don’t have to take place at a church, but they should always take place at an altar. Biblical marriage is one of God’s richest blessings in life. God ordained marriage and ordained the family structure. It is so important that marriage begins with a mutual commitment to live with one another, for God’s holy purpose. 

People don’t always keep their vows, and every husband and wife will make mistakes that damage their relationship with God and each other. But we should never underestimate the power of God’s blessings on a biblical marriage.  

We also should never underestimate the power Satan exerts in this world to destroy this great blessing either. There are so many negative statistics in our culture that can be traced directly to the non-biblical redefining of marriage and family.  

God’s ways are higher, and we never need to question his plans. God loves us and wants us to have a life he is able to bless. If our lives include marriage, we can know his standards for our relationship are high and holy.  

Revisit the altar

Jim and I will soon celebrate our forty-third anniversary. It seems hard to believe so many years have passed. People are beginning to be impressed by that number and sometimes ask, “What is the secret to your long marriage?”  

Honestly, it isn’t a secret; it’s God. 

Jim and I meant our vows when we took them at the altar and, by God’s grace, we have stuck with them. We have loved God and each other. God has blessed our love. But, as with every spiritual commitment, it is important to revisit the altar sometimes and remember the covenant decision we made to become one life together under God’s authority.  

The joy of a wedding

We were able to witness a biblical wedding this past weekend. A man and woman stood at an altar and became one life, together under God. It was a joy to listen to them speak their vows and know they were speaking them to God and to one another. It was a joy to pray for them, knowing God was able to bless and answer our prayers for these two godly young people. I expect they will have a special family and they will honor God’s will in their lives. 

For all of us, whom should we be praying for today? 

It is common in our culture to make the wedding more about the reception than the service. It is common to make the bride and groom the center of the day instead of making God the center of their future lives together, “until death they do part.”  

Marriage is one of God’s richest blessings. If you have a strong marriage, take a moment at an altar and thank God for that person you share your life with. If you want a strong marriage, take a moment at an altar and ask God to guide you toward that relationship.  

The altar is a place where you can experience God’s Presence and listen for his voice of guidance. After God spoke to Jacob, Jacob told his family, “Let us arise and go up to Bethel, so that I may make there an altar to the God who answers me in the day of my distress and has been with me wherever I have gone” (Genesis 35:3).  

God is with us, wherever we go. 

Pray that we will enjoy some time at the altar this week.  

God surely wants to meet us there to bless us, guide us, and show his love for us.

What place will be your altar this week? 

The mystery of Christ’s return and marriage

I was reading my youngest son, Craig’s, First15 devotional (If you haven’t tried it you should!). Craig was writing about the promise of Christ’s return and said, “He’s so overjoyed to walk in relationship with you right now, but like you, he longs for something greater. Like a bridegroom patiently awaits the marriage ceremony, he’s waiting, expectant for what is to come.” That sentence gave me pause for a couple of reasons. First, I have never spent a great deal of time thinking about how Jesus feels about his return. Second, those thoughts made me think about God’s mandates for the marriage relationship in a new way, as it relates to the end times.

We have heard Bible lessons, sermons, and often thought about Christ’s second coming. The emphasis is usually about the hope we have as we wait for Jesus to return. Revelation teaches us that when Jesus comes again we will go to heaven and experience the glory of eternal life. We don’t know very much about heaven. Scripture is amazingly limited on the subject and I’ve often wondered why. I think it would be easier to speak and teach about salvation if I had a few more details to promise people. Scripture tells us some things about heaven and they are all good. But, what is God serving at the banquet? What will the mansion look like? Are the streets truly gold or just gold in color? And, how will we talk with others? What about the relationships we will have eternally with our spouses, our friends, our family?

I imagine heaven is too complex for an earthly mind to comprehend. I don’t think we own the right vocabulary for God to explain heaven. How does a person explain trigonometry to a two-year-old . . . who speaks a different language? I don’t know very much about heaven, but I know everything I need to know. Heaven is real. Heaven is eternal. And heaven is the place where we will know Jesus face to face, in his glory. Craig’s devotional caused me to think about why Jesus is so anxious for us to be there. Jesus is excited for us to gain heaven, and he is looking forward to being with us in a perfect, sinless, brand new relationship. He endured his time on earth and his suffering in death to make sure we could go to heaven. Eternal life is the greatest gift Jesus could give us and he loved us. Even we want to give our best gifts to the people we love. Of course Jesus wanted us to have heaven!

That led to my second thought. I’ve been doing some extra teaching and speaking lately. I typically speak from an outline and pray that the Holy Spirit will fill in the rest. Lately, I’ve heard myself referring to the marriage relationship and God’s call for people to remain virgins until marriage. When that subject comes up I see a lot of discomfort in the young faces in front of me. God’s word is very clear about the marriage relationship, but most young people don’t believe those verses are relevant any more.

A recent CNN article reported, “Eighty percent of unmarried evangelical young adults (18–29) said that they have had sex.” That number is probably low based on those who choose not to admit it. Evangelical young adults are the people we see in churches and Bible studies each week, and at least eighty percent of them are not remaining virgins until marriage. Does that still matter to God, and how does that relate to our eternal relationship with Jesus?

Craig’s First15 referred to the passage Christ gave us about his second coming. Revelation 21:2 says, “And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.” The picture from Revelation of Jesus’ return is that of a bridegroom waiting for his bride. That picture was meant to describe the beginning of a new and wonderfully close relationship we will have with Jesus after his second coming. That passage assumes people would understand the difference between a relationship before and after marriage.

Marriage is God’s plan for our lives because it is the closest explanation we have for our relationship with Christ on earth, versus our relationship with him in heaven. Thinking about Jesus, waiting for his bride, the Church, with the same anticipation a virgin groom feels, waiting for his virgin bride on their wedding day, is the most accurate description Scripture could give for the way Jesus is waiting for us today.

Maybe all of us need to spend a little more time emphasizing the sanctity and importance of marriage. We won’t be popular. We probably won’t be considered “relevant.” But we will be teaching the important truth of God’s word. God wanted people to understand our eternal relationship with Jesus. Biblical marriage was the best way for us to understand how Jesus anticipates our eternal relationship together in eternity, but also our present relationship with him on earth.

We are waiting. We wait with joy, we wait with longing, we wait with hope and expectation. And Jesus feels the same way about waiting for us. We are supposed to be waiting. Christians need to stay pure in our earthly relationships out of gratitude and obedience to our eternal “bridegroom.” I think Jesus wants us to start talking about “virginity” a little more often. God’s position has not changed, but the church’s position quietly has. We are often choosing not to offend, but, what is the cost of going silent on this subject? The next time it comes up, pray and ask God for the words he wants you to speak.

There is an eternal reason for a biblical theology of marriage. Hang on to God’s truth, for heaven’s sake.

This article was originally published on March 7, 2017.

Everyone Needs This Marriage

I was going to write about marriage this week. Jim and I will celebrate our fortieth wedding anniversary on Sunday, and that is a big deal. God created the concept of marriage for a reason. 

During the important times, the joyful times, and the difficult times, marriage is the best earthly example of the way God loves us. In a good marriage, love sustains. 

But talking about my anniversary seemed “inconsiderate” when the news was consumed with video of chaos and destruction only a few miles away. I shouldn’t write words that are “inconsiderate” in a blog post. 

And then I realized that a good marriage actually has a lot to do with those videos. 

Godless people 

I was watching the news on Saturday night when a preacher, referring to the violence, said, “They are a godless people. They don’t know Jesus. They don’t know they are loved.” 

That preacher wasn’t describing the race of the people who were rioting; he was describing their spiritual condition. They weren’t godless; they were God-less. 

Everyone has false gods, but not everyone is God-less. 

It is “inconsiderate” to refuse to consider God-lessness as a real problem in our world. 

Racist people 

Everyone has idols or false gods. Everyone struggles with racism. Everyone thinks they are better, or more deserving, than someone else: worthier of respect; worthier of possessions; worthier of safety; worthier of opportunity; worthier of truth; or worthier of love. 

Every person is conditioned from birth to think certain ways because every person has a sin nature that needs redemption. Did those words offend you? 

When I said I was watching the news on Saturday night and a preacher said, “They are a godless people,” what race was the preacher in your mind? 

Were you right, wrong, or just conditioned to think a certain way? 

Racism isn’t an exclusive sin. Everyone born is conditioned from birth because of their experiences. Everyone struggles with racism of some kind. 

None of us are godless, but many are God-less. 

What does marriage have to do with racism? 

The Brookings Institute did a study hoping to produce a method to escape poverty. Some refer to it as the “steps to success.” 

The article states: “Let politicians, schoolteachers and administrators, community leaders, ministers and parents drill into children the message that in a free society, they enter adulthood with three major responsibilities: at least finish high school, get a full-time job and wait until age 21 to get married and have children.” 

The study continued, “Our research shows that of American adults who followed these three simple rules, only about 2 percent are in poverty and nearly 75 percent have joined the middle class (defined as earning around $55,000 or more per year).”  

Those facts are interesting, but the study mostly reveals that God’s plan was a good one. 

God provided us with a plan for success. It wasn’t a plan for a certain race of people; it was a plan for his creation. That plan included a behavior that our culture has chosen to set aside: God’s people were supposed to find a person and then share a strong, lifelong relationship of love. 

From that relationship, children would be born and raised with love, discipline, and direction. From that relationship, children would come to know God’s love. A loving family was God’s plan. 

Did the Brookings Institute report create a picture in your mind? 

Allow me to create a biblical picture: Cain and Abel. 

Marriage wasn’t a rule for a certain race of people; it was the rule for God’s people. The people who obey God’s rules are his family, and those rules transcend physical genetics. Everyone is born God-less, needing his love. Family was God’s plan to teach that lesson. 

But all of us know that family and marriage don’t guarantee a person’s choices. 

What did the preacher look like? 

When the preacher described the rioters looting the stores and throwing things at the police, he said they were “godless people.” He wasn’t describing the people; he was describing their spiritual condition. 

His comment wasn’t racist; it was truth. 

What did the preacher look like? 

He probably looks like whatever you were conditioned to think he looks like. In the end, it doesn’t matter what he looked like. He spoke truth. 

He wanted those people to know God, love God, and be loved by God. 

That is what matters because that is what will help. 

What did the rioters look like? 

What did the rioters look like to that preacher? 

Lost kids who were in trouble. And yes, they looked like his brothers. 

The important point of the evening for me was this: I agreed with every word that preacher said that evening. He was angry and so was I. He was outraged and so was I. He was sad and so was I. 

But the real point of my blog is this: That preacher wanted those rioters to be his brothers and sisters. 

I do too.

The marriage that matters most 

If you are reading this blog, you are probably a child of God. You are the church, the bride of Christ. Why does Scripture refer to us in this way? 

Because the marriage relationship was the closest understanding people could have of the way they are completely loved by God. 

Whatever is happening in our world, we need to stand with that preacher and see others as God-less or as a person who is already a brother or sister. Those are the only two races of people that exist in our world and the only biblical point of view we are allowed. Everyone is either lost or found. 

Does your salvation cause you to feel arrogant or humbly grateful? 

That is the taproot of both blessings and sin, and the first place to address the racism in our lives. We draw in God’s love, but other things can creep in as well. 

Everyone deserves to have God’s love in their life. The marriage that matters most is described in the book of Revelation: “And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband” (Revelation 21:2). Christians are the bride of Christ; everyone else still needs that marriage. 

Whom do you know who needs to get married? 

It is “inconsiderate” not to consider their greatest need. 

I’m glad to be married 

Jim and I were married on June 7, 1980. We have chosen to love, honor, and obey—God. 

Therefore, we work hard to love, honor, and obey in our marriage. For everyone, marriage is hard work. But that love is worth it. 

I love my family, and I’m grateful for the blessings they bring. I would wish this or something better for everyone. But earthly marriage was just supposed to be an example of the most important marriage. 

Jim and I chose to get married, and every day we choose to stay happily married. Christians choose to get married too. 

We are the bride of Christ. The question is, how will you choose to stay happily married to your groom today? 

That is the relationship Jesus wants because that choice will help make the changes many in our world need today.