Covert Narcissism: Sometimes healing a relationship is one-sided

A word from Janet:

As we sat enjoying our tea, I knew I wanted Linda to write a blog post for me. I rarely have others write, but she said something that resonated with me and that I believed would resonate with all of you.

She spoke about an issue some people have that the church is often ill-equipped to help with. Sometimes the usual answers don’t provide a solution. 

Linda had done women’s ministry for many years, with excellence. During that time, she encountered many women who had been through, or were going through, problems in their marriage. When Linda spoke about her own marriage, I knew it was a story others needed to hear. 

Every marriage has challenges, and often the church’s response is to counsel the couple to “draw closer to God and that will draw them closer to one another.” Sermons, Bible studies, and books are delivered with a message for “the middle” of the congregation. Often, those on the edges are left feeling disconnected or misunderstood. While great sermons and lessons contain powerful biblical truth, often those words of truth cannot provide a solution. Why?

All people are created by God with free will. None of us has the power to control or limit the free will choices of another. Some people are born or raised with issues and disorders that mean average solutions are ineffective. In other words, sometimes healing a relationship just isn’t possible. Spiritual healing is a choice each person must make for himself or herself, but not a choice that can be made for another. Sometimes our choices cannot heal a relationship because the other person’s issues or choices won’t allow for healing.

I’m reminded of Paul’s words to the Galatians: “For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself’” (Galatians 5:13–14).

I learned a lot from Linda about a topic I was not familiar with. The more I read, the more I began to understand the need for Christians to be aware of those people the church might tend to condemn rather than counsel or comfort.

Linda has come through a personal storm that God is now redeeming for a greater good. I wanted to share her article and her website so that it could be a help to all of you—possibly for one of your own relationships or maybe to share with someone you know.

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Now I Get It! Married to a Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

by L.L.

“Mom, what you have done is crazy-stupid-brave, and the greatest gift you could have given me.”

Those were the first words of my son’s email. 

They affirmed the steps I had taken to identify the confusing marital fog that engulfed me so long—enough years for my children to now have families of their own.

I had believed the empty nest would ease our relationship stressors. Later, the anticipation of the joy of grandchildren fueled my optimism. The expectations of new freedoms in retirement offered the last remnant of hope. Instead, retirement revealed an increased intensity of emotional abandonment.

The journey to clarity

The bewilderment that washed over me when my last hope vanished shattered the dream I had nurtured since childhood—a spiritually mature and joyful marriage. Where had I failed? We had all the outward trappings but lacked the soul of a mutually loving relationship. Marriage conferences, books, prayer, Bible studies, support groups, and personal counseling failed to uncover one mysterious underlying dynamic.

After a particularly confusing conversation with my husband, I retreated to sort swirling emotions birthed from a confused and wounded heart. 

Access to counseling during that time provided emotional support, but nothing truly explained my quandary until one webcast provided a checklist for a disorder called Covert Narcissism. I listened to it over and over while checking off each indicator. Finally, I was able to say, “Now I get it.” 

A combination of both despair and relief set me on a convoluted journey of grief, loss, healing, lament, and personal spiritual growth. 

I learned that narcissistic characteristics cluster on a spectrum. Everyone has some qualities of self-centeredness. We need enough for self-care. As individuals move up the spectrum with increasing displays of self-focus, relationships grow more challenging. Those at the far end of the spectrum lack empathy as well as the ability to self-reflect. They also relate to others through a wide variety of distorted thinking patterns. 

My husband came to counseling enough times for the counselor to determine the diagnosis of Covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

My effort to identify this missing piece of information was what had prompted my son’s email. He, too, now had an explanation for his own emotional wounds. 

Examples in Scripture

Seeing this same disorder in Scripture has added a new sense of awareness to my Bible study. 

Jesus described false teachers as those who come in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves (Matthew 7:15). Some believe Judas, who betrayed Jesus with a kiss, displayed characteristics of a covert narcissist (Matthew 26:14–16). 

In the book of Esther, King Xerxes’ actions offer examples of Grandiose Narcissism (Ester 1:1–12), while Haman (Ester 3–8) demonstrated Covert Narcissism traits. 

King Herod’s jealousy and grandiosity (Matthew 2:16) finally had an explanation. 

Jesus pointed out the Pharisees’ outward righteousness but inward darkness when He called them white-washed tombs (Matthew 23:27–28). 

The power of truth

Jesus spoke of an essential element to the Jews who believed in Him. “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:31–32). As I examined truth, I learned it extended beyond knowledge of Christ’s atoning death and gift of salvation. The word for truth in this passage expands the meaning to “what is true in any matter under consideration” (Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).

Willingness to see truth

I am discovering that the Lord reveals truth to me in proportion to my willingness to see it. Seeking truth has propelled me into God’s grace of healing.

My defense mechanisms of rationalization, denial, and false belief that I could love enough to fix things needed to be released. I had to radically accept that narcissism was something I could not resolve. 

That radical acceptance required giving up my hope—perhaps one of the most painful steps of faith I had to take. Giving up hope felt like I was abandoning a foundational element of my faith. My hope, though, had been misplaced. My hope now rests on WHO Christ is rather than expectations of WHAT He can do.

God’s faithfulness in all things

I know now that my heavenly Father’s heart had always ached with me as I hid my tears and attempted to ignore my deep emotional woundings. He had seen my struggles to honor Him in my marriage. 

God had also waited ever so patiently for me to stop my human striving and to reach out to Him in surrender. When I acknowledged my pride and asked for His guidance and perfect will to be accomplished in my life, I felt something shift in my heart. It was the stabilizing calm that truth brings.

My heavenly Father has been faithful in each step of faith in truth-seeking and healing. I face each day with fresh hope in the future my heavenly Father has for me as His beloved daughter.

Best of all, I get to watch God do the very same for each truth-seeking woman who brings her brokenness to Him.

Now I Get It is available at Amazon.com/ebooks or in print at Amazon.com. Note: Now I Get It is written under the pen name of Alice Neyland. Follow “Now I Get It” on Instagram, Facebook, and at https://www.makingsenseofmylife.com/.

What does God hate?

I considered taking another week off but knew I should write. I need to say something you are unlikely to hear or read about in the news. I don’t want to speak about the sins of the El Paso shooter. 

Instead, I want to speak about the sins of the saints, myself included.

I have been floating on a cruise ship, watching the whales and the wildlife. I wish I were still enjoying the majestic beauty of Alaska, where the sun only set for a few hours before the next morning rolled around. 

But, we don’t live on a cruise ship. We live in the real world.

The sin born of righteous anger

As Christians, we should view the mass shootings on Saturday with God’s perspective and be incredibly cautious to live today with his holy standards. Satan doesn’t care which side of “right” you stand on, as long as you sin where you stand. 

James 1:20 is an important reminder to each of God’s children today: “For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

I can testify that some of my greatest sins were born of righteous anger. All of us have a right to be enraged at evil. 

The important question for all of us today is this: Is our rage producing the righteousness of God?

God hates too

Did you know that God hates

Solomon knew that and left us with that knowledge. He wrote: “There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers” (Proverbs 6:16–19). 

God hated Saturday’s news about the El Paso shooting more than we did. I cannot fathom the controlling evil filling that young man’s heart and mind. It is beyond understanding. God hated the shedding of innocent blood and the heart that devised such a wicked plan. God hates the lies and the false witness that was breathed out as a manifesto.

But there is a glaring caution in Solomon’s words for every Christian today. 

God also hates the haughty eyes of those who think their sins don’t harm. God hates our lies when we say things we have no right to say. 

And it is the seventh “hate” that each of us should carefully consider today. God hates it when we sow discord.

If my Facebook page looks a little like yours, there is plenty of sin born from righteous anger among the family of God. 

We need to realize that God hates our sin too.

Redeeming hate

If you read this blog, you know that God wants you to love. God wants you to care. God wants you to think before you speak, type, or share. The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. 

But you can count on this truth: The Holy Spirit can handle your hate. He can redeem it and produce the righteousness our culture needs to witness from God’s people. 

My husband, Jim, and I were talking about the shooting last Saturday and realized we had the same thoughts. We weren’t as shocked by the news as we had been in the past. It wasn’t a shooting; it was another shooting. It was disturbing to realize we weren’t surprised by the news, just saddened. 

We wondered what Christians had previously crossed that boy’s path. Did they have an opportunity to reach out to an angry child but spoke words of contempt or rage instead? How many Christians had turned away from that boy in the past, with disgust or distaste, thinking they were giving that kid what his behavior deserved? 

Who could have offered the grace that none of us deserve instead?

Is the next shooter your neighbor?

That “kid” lived near my part of town. Maybe I sat in a movie theater with him. Maybe I watched him act up at a mall. Maybe he saw me roll my eyes or turn my head away when he cursed or acted out. Maybe I had a chance and missed it. 

Maybe I will have a chance again, with another child, tomorrow.

What does God hate? 

Anger that does not produce the righteousness of God. 

The cruise ship isn’t home

What are you going to do with your anger now? 

That question is what led me to write this blog. 

A lot of God’s people would choose to live on a cruise ship. It’s easier to sail through this life sheltered in the church and avoiding realities. But, while a cruise ship is a great place to visit, it isn’t where God has called us to live.

This world will always have evil. It always has. But, it can also be filled with God’s powerful love. 

What are God’s children contributing to the culture today? Is it their righteous anger or the righteousness of God? 

If God’s people won’t share the light, we are just increasing the darkness.

Again, it doesn’t matter that we stand on the side of right if we’re sinning where we stand. We need to allow the Holy Spirit to redeem our anger. 

Who knows? The kid or neighbor who receives our words and attitudes of grace may be forever changed.

God would love that.


Focusing on God’s Word

Do you ever wonder why people send money to a television evangelist so they can get a piece of the cloth he used to wipe his tears? 

I knew someone who sent such a televangelist a donation. She didn’t really believe it would work. She just wanted to hope. 

History channels have produced shows and books have been written about possible and potential miracles involving a supposed piece of the cross, the Shroud of Turin, Noah’s Ark, or the Ark of the Covenant. Church history records all kinds of promises about these holy objects, and others, that were offered to people who wanted to believe. 

Hope has always been one of God’s promises, and false hope has always been a by-product of that truth. 

A church leader’s words can’t change God’s

There are some passages, like one in Luke 8, that theologians and Bible teachers will always struggle to explain. 

At least, they should struggle to explain these passages. One of the reasons miracles are miracles is that they involve acts of God that transcend what is normal or explicable. 

There is a story in Luke 8 that certain preachers have used to offer people hope of healing. It’s in the Bible, therefore it is possible. 

Why did touching Jesus’ hem heal the woman?

It isn’t easy to find a theologian that wants to tackle that question. There really isn’t an answer except “It happened”—to her. 

It was the second year of Jesus’ ministry, and his popularity was soaring. By now, word had spread about the miracles people had seen, the sermons people had heard, and the hope that Jesus might be the long-awaited Messiah. Jesus is drawing large crowds of people everywhere he goes.

Luke records a time Jesus is walking through such a crowd. A synagogue ruler had pled with Jesus to come to his home because his twelve-year-old daughter was dying. Jesus is very unpopular with most Jewish leaders by now, but a man whose daughter is dying is desperate for any hope. Jesus agrees to go to his home, and Luke says, “As Jesus went, the people pressed around him” (Luke 8:42). 

Then Luke describes a miracle within the miracle. 

A woman in that crowd had been bleeding for twelve years. Her medical issue would have made her an outcast from society, worship, and even her family. 

In desperation, she reaches out to touch the hem of Jesus’ garment, hoping and believing that it might help. And it does. 

Luke wrote, “Immediately her discharge of blood ceased” (Luke 8:44). 

Why was this woman healed? 

According to Luke, the crowd was large and people were pressing to get next to Jesus. His robe would have touched or been touched by many people. Why did touching the robe of Jesus heal the woman but not all the others who were “pressing around him”? 

Why did Jesus sense her touch?

The disciples didn’t understand why Jesus was wondering who touched him. Peter said, “Master, the crowds surround you and are pressing in on you!” (Luke 8:45).

Blogger’s note: This statement is another reason I am a huge fan of Saint Peter. Luke usually got his information straight from the source. In other words, he probably interviewed Peter and the apostle made sure people knew about another of his less-than-perfect retorts to the Son of God. Peter also made sure Luke had Jesus’ answer to his impertinent question. 

How did Jesus know that someone’s touch in that crowd was different from the others? 

Luke records Jesus saying, “Someone touched me, for I perceive that power has gone out from me” (Luke 8:46).

Jesus’ power to heal

The reason this is a theological conundrum is that Jesus didn’t choose to heal the woman. He didn’t know she was healed until after the fact. 

The woman came to him and confessed she had touched his garment. It was then that Jesus told her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace” (Luke 8:48).

Those words open a can of worms that theologians can’t fully explain, so this blogger won’t even try. 

  • Was it her faith in Jesus? 
  • Her faith in God? 
  • Her faith that even Jesus’ garment could heal? 
  • Were the others that touched his garment lacking faith? 
  • Does enough faith heal and not enough faith hinder? 
  • Why didn’t Jesus know who had touched him and who had been healed? 

Those are just a few of the questions that surround this passage. So, why is such a complicated passage included in our Bibles? 

In fact, the story is important enough that Matthew and Mark also record the miracle in their gospels. 

What if we are supposed to focus on the reason Jesus knew he had been touched rather than the fact that a woman was healed? 

What if the moment and message of the miracle are the most important parts of the story?

The message of the miracle

Jesus perceived that “power” had gone out from him. It wasn’t the garment of Jesus that healed the woman; it was the power within Jesus. 

It wasn’t the crowds that were healed. God healed the woman that day, and Jesus knew it when God’s power was released through him. 

One day, Jesus would look at these same men and tell them, “You will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth” (Acts 1:8). 

The “power” released through Jesus that day is the power that fills all Christians today. But, it isn’t the power to heal; it is the power that can heal, when God chooses. 

Jesus was on his way to Jairus’ home. Jairus was a synagogue ruler and probably the most important, influential person in the crowd. Culturally speaking, Jesus paused from his most important task to show compassion to an “unclean” woman who had not requested his attention but had stolen it. 

That day, the culture didn’t define important; God did. The apostle Paul was trying to explain that truth when he wrote about heaven, saying, “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28).

A message about miracles

Two miracles occurred that day: God publicly healed a bleeding woman and privately healed Jairus’ daughter.

What is the message about miracles? 

God heals and decides how to heal and who is healed.

The power for healing is the power of God, through his Son, and through his Holy Spirit.

God loves everyone, equally. Some of God’s miracles are witnessed; some are not. Some of God’s people are healed on earth, but most are healed in heaven.

Faith in God is the key, not faith in garments.

Jesus said, “Your faith has made you well. Go in peace.” 

If you are a Christian, that is your hope, your promise, and your miracle for today and every day. Whatever you are facing, you will be healed—maybe not today, but definitely one day.